My Biggest Fear

I.. am terrified.

Why? You may ask. You have a steady full-time job. Your hours are exactly the same each week. You’re accepted to business school. You’ve just signed the last documents to become a homeowner. Why could you possibly be terrified? 

Well, first, those are all things that scare me. Although I enjoy having something to do each day… and I don’t get bored… and I know I have a paycheck coming… AND my schedule is exactly the same each week, I panic a little when I think about what I could be doing. 

Oh, my goodness. Think of the things I could spend my days doing. 

The thousands of scent and color combinations of soaps I could make, and the hundreds of grungy thrift-store cups I’d repurpose into beautiful soy candles. 

The hours I would spend working on my bullet journal, exercising in my home gym, and enjoying the fresh air and sun on my own schedule whenever I felt the need.

The cute little story book garden I’d tend to, and the lovely peonies and blush colored roses that I’d beam at from my rocking chair. The smell of my gigantic, overgrown lilac bush wafting under my nose as I sipped my homemade sun tea on the porch while my new chocolate lab puppy played in the yard… YES! 

Can you understand why I’d be scared of my same-old, same-old life?

It terrifies me to think that someday… Someday… I will not have those things I long for the most because I spent so much time being careful and trying to make a living in a way I did not ABSOLUTELY LOVE. 

It does scare me to go back to school, too. It’s a big decision. And I’m human. I’m afraid I’ll fail. I guess, how will I know unless I try?  But the biggest thing that terrifies me, and what drove me to write this is: 

My husband just quit his job. 

I knew it was coming. He had planned to once we got our house bought. 

And who could blame him? He wasn’t happy as an employee. He has bigger dreams. He wants to pursue other things. But OH MY WORD. My reaction was not exactly cute (which he anticipated, and which is why he also waited several days to tell me, letting me think that he just wasn’t working for some reason that week): 

HOW WILL WE PAY OUR MORTGAGE? HOW WILL WE PAY OUR BILLS? WE ARE GOING TO BE HOMELESS! WE ARE GOING TO BE SO POOR! WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO NOW? NOTHING?? ARE YOU KIDDING ME??????  

And yet… How insanely, deeply, almost annoyingly envious am I. 

How amazing, how freeing that must feel. Right now, at this moment, he’s suspended in mid-air; what will he do?? The possibilities are endless! He’s dropped everything and jumped off of a cliff, taking a risk that he knows could end oh, so badly… And yet… He’s pursuing what HE wants. And he doesn’t care. 

I want to do that. 

The past several months have been difficult to swallow, with us harboring so many wishes and desires, things we want to do and start and create. 

It makes me almost sick to think about the what if’s that come with being unemployed, but why?? As my husband has told me several times, you’ll never get anywhere with that mindset. Yes, it may go downhill, but it’ll never go uphill either if you don’t actually try! 

So… Hold onto your britches. This summer, I take my life back. I’m going full-throttle. I will plant a garden. I will make soaps. I will make more candles. I will make sun tea, dang-it! I’ll make so much that we have to have extra company every weekend to chug it down. And I will go to school for business, so that we can be even more successful living our dream. 

Chara